2010 SingleWomenRule.com Blog Crawl for National Unmarried and Single Americans Week
September 19-25, 2010
Bella’s Introduction
I’m delighted to have Rachel Buddeberg crawl over to All Things Single with this wonderfully thoughtful post. Readers of this blog and of Living Single know her well from her active participation in so many of our online discussions. I interviewed her in her role as a single-minded change agent earlier in the year, and she also contributed the guest post, Are you sure you want to call that marriage a failure? Together, Rachel and I also put together that collection of quotes from several dozen scholars weighing in on the question of whether marriage should be a ticket to privilege. (Guess what our answer is!) Her blog is Rachel’s Musings.
Thanks, Rachel, for your terrific contribution to the crawl and to All Things Single, and for the passion and imagination you show in your work.
Visioning a World without Singlism
By Rachel Buddeberg
One of the challenges of choosing to be single is that there are so few role models for a different way of relating to people, for valuing all relationships we’re in, and for forging ahead with a happy life. Many of us are making up the way to live as we go along, continuously counteracting messages we get from the culture around us that we should get married or at least get a date. As we muddle along, it is hard to envision different cultural messages, so to celebrate Singles Week (aka National Unmarried and Single Americans Week), I suggest that it’s time to do some visioning! What would a society look like that has moved beyond the overvaluation of couples (couplemania) and the stigmatization of singles (singlism)? It might be difficult to envision a society without couplemania and singlism while living in one that is steeped in both. But visioning can help us clarify what we would like to change – and this can range from the (seemingly) irrelevant to governmental policies. So, let me start painting a picture of a society that values everybody, no matter what our coupling status!
It would be a society where all relationships are valued and respected. Men and women would interact with each other without evaluating the other as a potential partner but rather looking at them as a potential friend. When we fill out forms at the doctor’s office, these forms are about us. They don’t ask if we have kids or sleep with anybody unless it’s relevant. Your dentist doesn’t need to know whether you’re coupled. Instead of discounts for families, restaurants offer buffets that let everybody enjoy a discount. And if you dine by yourself, you still get a nice table out in the open.
Social security has been redesigned to ensure that we have a safety net as we age. If we don’t use all the money that we put in, what is left when we die goes back into the pot to ensure that others can benefit. A similar social support is available through universal health care. As a society, we decided that it is unconscionable to leave access to health care to chance – whether we find a job with benefits or a partner who has one. Taxes are paid on an individual basis – removing the last vestiges of the male-breadwinner model and reflecting the reality that everybody works, at least part of their lifetime.
Movies show the beauty of friendship networks. Friendships are portrayed as important in themselves, not as means to a partner. Just like life off the screen, the movies depict the variety of relationships: Some are deep and intimate, some might involve cohabitation, others involve sex, while some are maintained through once-a-year phone calls. None of the friendships are described as more (or less) important than the others. A well-rounded person – the movies suggest – have all kinds of relationships and value them all.
Marriage is still available but we wouldn’t recognize it as such. It has turned into a ceremony that affirms our commitment to and affection for another person (maybe something along the lines as suggested in some of the articles listed here). All sorts of pairs marry – same-sex and heterosexual, sometimes three or more people marry each other during the same ceremony affirming the various relationships they have with each other. Sexual attraction is not necessary. Caring for each other is. And people marry because they like to celebrate all their relationships, not because they want to show off one relationship. And there are no tax benefits (unlike today).
Children love this new society because they have many adults to turn to. They are no longer confined to one or two (biological) parents as their go-to adults. They have several adults who they go to when they want support – and these adults may or may not be biologically related (maybe something like this). They do live close to the kids – not across the fence because there are no fences anymore but maybe on the other side of the hallway or across the play area.
The President of the United States is single and nobody really cares about that. In fact, hardly anybody asks about her children – all of them biologically related to her friends (but nobody really worries about that either). What people care about are her policies, not her dating life.
I am sure I forgot many aspects of this society. What would you like to add? What is your vision?
LOVE IT Rachel — you’re right, in our efforts to advocate for change, it’s really valuable to have a vision. That way we know what we’re aiming for and we know when we get there (or at least make minor progress). I don’t have much to add just yet, but I’m sure others will
– L
I love this, Rachel. Especially the part about the President. I’ve considered this many times – along with how the state and national campaign ads could change, focusing on the candidate as a person – his character would be judged by his actions and experience. We have ads here that are totally about the spouse, children, and religious affiliation of the candidates, with no mention of their stand on the issues.
I would also add a vision of High School Reunions and work settings-
Someone asks if you are at the reunion alone and when you say yes they ask if you ever married (we already have this part), but then when you say no, their face lights up and they ask what you have been doing with your life. They want to know. And actually listen. It would be the same when you start a new job. They are not standing there with a confused look on their faces, not knowing what to say next, because you are not the only single person over 40 that they know anymore, and they have known enough so that they don’t automatically stereotype you. They wait to get to know you.
I love the last bit about the President of the United States being a single woman and no one cares.
In my little singlism-free world, my boss would stop asking if my brother is married and then commenting that wow, neither of us is doing very well in the grandchildren department.
I agree, my dentist does NOT need to know whether I’m coupled. I asked the admin at my deramatologist’s office why my marital status was requested on a form, and she said, “Oh. I don’t know.” We both thought that was pretty funny.
Christina